Thursday, February 12, 2009
Beneficial Extremities
My parents just made a deal: for every scholarship I enter, I get $20. How in the world does this make sense at all? I mean, in no way am I complaining at this ridiculous benefit for a benefit, of the same exact benefit...if you get the confusion my mind twists into. It's a benefit without even a guarantee for a benefit. And rather makes me sad that my parents are so desperate for me to be responsible that they stoop that low as to pay me twenty full dollars for just ENTERING a god damn scholarship. This night has ended with a full glass, warm hands, and motivation. Amen.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"Cheese Whiz is Gross"
An interview with Aylo Stirus by Lehcar Snikwah
Q: What inspires you?
A: Trip-hop music… I like to trip out the center of my mind without drugs. I like different things.
Q: Describe your first memory of being in America?
A: Well Lehcar, you already know my story about water fountains in the airport… My mom took me to Toys R Us, and I think I peed my pants when I saw the Barbie section. I was coming from a country where everything you buy is behind the cashier and you can’t touch anything.
Q: Favorite word?
A: Saucisson (French for sausage), or soliloquy.
Q: If you could meet anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would you choose?
A: Nina Simone. She’s a jazz singer with an interesting history and is powerful in every sense of the word.
Q: Favorite meal?
A: Spaghetti and ketchup… “ghetti sghetti.” And the Russian picnic, which includes one potato cooked over fire, a pickle, and pork. I also love tempura udon… I eat it every week.
Q: What’s the one thing you wish you could do?
A: Sing.
Q: Who is your favorite celebrity and why?
A: I don’t have one favorite… I take things from different people. I love watching Angelina Jolie’s lips talk. I think Johnny Depp is a true artist, because when I watch his interviews he doesn’t seem like he’s forcing himself into Hollywood.
Q: What is a book you could read over and over?
A: Running With Scissors and Welcome to the Monkey House.
Q: What do you feel was the most moving part of your Personal Jesus project?
A: I thought about it very deeply. I think it was perfectly executed in terms of light composition. The whole Christianity thing blew my mind because it’s real.
Q: When eating a pizza, do you start with the crust, or the tip of the slice?
A: The tip… who the hell eats a pizza from the crust down? I put the cheese part down… Us Russians like to get all the flavor.
Q: Is yoga spiritual for you?
A: Yeah, fo sho. Every time I do it I feel totally refreshed. It’s like Buddha just slapped yo ass. That’s what yoga is.
Q: If you were an animal, would you be a big or little one?
A: A little one. I definitely love cats. There’s a kitty in all of us.
Q: Do you think Russians are unfairly portrayed?
A: Russians are a lot more advanced economically, mentally, and technologically than here. The education system cannot compare. It’s better that you guys don’t know how smart we are.
Q: When you be singing yo raps… do you think about the racist undertones coming out of your mouth?
A: Yeah, I majorly do. Whenever I hear “that’s so gay,” I want to take a dump on that person’s face. Every time I say “that’s retarded,” I feel horrible.
Q: Would you ever be a man for a day?
A: Yes, I feel very connected to men in a very weird way. I feel like I walk and talk like them sometimes. But I’m also attracted to them in a very gross way.
Q: How do you do like you do?
A: I never eat beef, I always give into my cravings, I do butt squats before bed, and when I feel like shit, I strip in front of my mirror. And then it’s all good.
Q: What’s your biggest fear about aging?
A: Double chin!
Q: Do you prefer men with short hair or long hair? Facial hair?
A: Long hair thing is sexy, but I don’t care that much, and I love facial hair.
Q: How do you hope to die?
A: Instantly… I wouldn’t want to be sick for a year. Painless and happy.
Q: If you had an out of body experience, what would you want to happen?
A: I would have sex with myself. Explosion times two! And the fact that you can’t do that tells you there is no magic in the fucking world. Did you write that I don’t like cheese whiz? Grassy ass.
Q: What inspires you?
A: Trip-hop music… I like to trip out the center of my mind without drugs. I like different things.
Q: Describe your first memory of being in America?
A: Well Lehcar, you already know my story about water fountains in the airport… My mom took me to Toys R Us, and I think I peed my pants when I saw the Barbie section. I was coming from a country where everything you buy is behind the cashier and you can’t touch anything.
Q: Favorite word?
A: Saucisson (French for sausage), or soliloquy.
Q: If you could meet anyone in the world, dead or alive, who would you choose?
A: Nina Simone. She’s a jazz singer with an interesting history and is powerful in every sense of the word.
Q: Favorite meal?
A: Spaghetti and ketchup… “ghetti sghetti.” And the Russian picnic, which includes one potato cooked over fire, a pickle, and pork. I also love tempura udon… I eat it every week.
Q: What’s the one thing you wish you could do?
A: Sing.
Q: Who is your favorite celebrity and why?
A: I don’t have one favorite… I take things from different people. I love watching Angelina Jolie’s lips talk. I think Johnny Depp is a true artist, because when I watch his interviews he doesn’t seem like he’s forcing himself into Hollywood.
Q: What is a book you could read over and over?
A: Running With Scissors and Welcome to the Monkey House.
Q: What do you feel was the most moving part of your Personal Jesus project?
A: I thought about it very deeply. I think it was perfectly executed in terms of light composition. The whole Christianity thing blew my mind because it’s real.
Q: When eating a pizza, do you start with the crust, or the tip of the slice?
A: The tip… who the hell eats a pizza from the crust down? I put the cheese part down… Us Russians like to get all the flavor.
Q: Is yoga spiritual for you?
A: Yeah, fo sho. Every time I do it I feel totally refreshed. It’s like Buddha just slapped yo ass. That’s what yoga is.
Q: If you were an animal, would you be a big or little one?
A: A little one. I definitely love cats. There’s a kitty in all of us.
Q: Do you think Russians are unfairly portrayed?
A: Russians are a lot more advanced economically, mentally, and technologically than here. The education system cannot compare. It’s better that you guys don’t know how smart we are.
Q: When you be singing yo raps… do you think about the racist undertones coming out of your mouth?
A: Yeah, I majorly do. Whenever I hear “that’s so gay,” I want to take a dump on that person’s face. Every time I say “that’s retarded,” I feel horrible.
Q: Would you ever be a man for a day?
A: Yes, I feel very connected to men in a very weird way. I feel like I walk and talk like them sometimes. But I’m also attracted to them in a very gross way.
Q: How do you do like you do?
A: I never eat beef, I always give into my cravings, I do butt squats before bed, and when I feel like shit, I strip in front of my mirror. And then it’s all good.
Q: What’s your biggest fear about aging?
A: Double chin!
Q: Do you prefer men with short hair or long hair? Facial hair?
A: Long hair thing is sexy, but I don’t care that much, and I love facial hair.
Q: How do you hope to die?
A: Instantly… I wouldn’t want to be sick for a year. Painless and happy.
Q: If you had an out of body experience, what would you want to happen?
A: I would have sex with myself. Explosion times two! And the fact that you can’t do that tells you there is no magic in the fucking world. Did you write that I don’t like cheese whiz? Grassy ass.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Octopus Dreaming
I feel irresistibly confident about the next few moments of my life.
Insecurity is like watching pain exuding from a person's mouth. The lack of confidence is painful and uncomfortable to be comfortable with. It's as if these little pieces of life are coming together, all at once. I must feel like a poet once again and no longer being restrained. Fulfilling that need, to no longer need. I am full. And that's all.
I must say this is an experience of believing in the unexpected. These last months will trickle away, and I'm going to breathe it in no matter the struggle. Even typing these words out doesn't give me much the pleasure of already being comfortable with the substitution of guilt.
My eyes have been giving away a lot that has been inside.
To discover is to run wildly into your own mind. Breathe from within your own belly, and open the doors that will calm you in the end. You do know, it turns out that you knew all along, so to repeat would be foolish, and you are no fool. Give a little, take a little, which is what I did, and have received a lot in return.
From now on I will wear everything I have been afraid to show off in public, for the pure celebration of life. I enjoy those moments in which I am floating in evanescence, like water, and my toes fall asleep. How peculiar that all these things occur so irrationally, and we get mad at everything's horrible timing, when we already know that this is already our novel to write and nobody else's. I won't praise any single idol in order to not withdraw my own self from wonder. And that is usually the case. I am rather small, but already squeeze into those shoes I have worn once in a far away dream. And it's all good, in this neighborhood.
Insecurity is like watching pain exuding from a person's mouth. The lack of confidence is painful and uncomfortable to be comfortable with. It's as if these little pieces of life are coming together, all at once. I must feel like a poet once again and no longer being restrained. Fulfilling that need, to no longer need. I am full. And that's all.
I must say this is an experience of believing in the unexpected. These last months will trickle away, and I'm going to breathe it in no matter the struggle. Even typing these words out doesn't give me much the pleasure of already being comfortable with the substitution of guilt.
My eyes have been giving away a lot that has been inside.
To discover is to run wildly into your own mind. Breathe from within your own belly, and open the doors that will calm you in the end. You do know, it turns out that you knew all along, so to repeat would be foolish, and you are no fool. Give a little, take a little, which is what I did, and have received a lot in return.
From now on I will wear everything I have been afraid to show off in public, for the pure celebration of life. I enjoy those moments in which I am floating in evanescence, like water, and my toes fall asleep. How peculiar that all these things occur so irrationally, and we get mad at everything's horrible timing, when we already know that this is already our novel to write and nobody else's. I won't praise any single idol in order to not withdraw my own self from wonder. And that is usually the case. I am rather small, but already squeeze into those shoes I have worn once in a far away dream. And it's all good, in this neighborhood.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
safe from harm, tonight
It's Christmas day, and so far it's been eventful. I fell asleep at 4 in the morning, which isn't an unusual circumstance; I usually begin to thrive at 12 am. I painted my mom a present [which I'll post up], I made my brother a CD, I re-read my old diaries, finished another Augusten Burroughs novel [sellevision]. My little brother slept under the tree because this year he was extremely determined to catch a glimpse of Santa, and I think it's ridiculous that my parents are still trying to convince him that Santa is real. It's heartbreaking! This morning I asked him if he in fact did see Santa, and he said no, but he did hear someone walking on the roof and in the chimney. Hmmm...
My mom gave me a meditation bowl and a Rumi calendar, as well as two tree ornaments, an owl and a horse. I was born in the year of the horse, and an owl because I'm basically nocturnal.
I think at night I get the most excited about creativity, because I'm alone, it becomes such a secretive and isolated process. I listen to oodles of trip hop and obscure art videos.
My mom suggested the other day that I move to St. Petersburg next year and study in Russia for a year. St. Petersburg is an amazing city, every street is full of it's own history. More important than all of the historic events that occurred there, it is a place that is FULL of art. Pushkin the poet was killed there in a duel; there are so many galleries, people with imagination...music with imagination....
I think it would be interesting to spend my first year of adulthood in another country.
But god I'm such a coward. And that fact prevents me from dreaming my dreams in other places other than America.
But I am sure that I don't want to live in this country for another decade, or raise my children here. Growing up in a household full of a different culture, in a country that lacks this factor, has made me crave Europe. Even Canada would do!
But before all of that happens, I have to graduate first. Possibly get a job. I'm getting overwhelmed thinking about all of the things that I need to do, applications to fill out, and scholarships to win. AH! But today is a holiday, so my procrastination is healthy at this point.
My mom gave me a meditation bowl and a Rumi calendar, as well as two tree ornaments, an owl and a horse. I was born in the year of the horse, and an owl because I'm basically nocturnal.
I think at night I get the most excited about creativity, because I'm alone, it becomes such a secretive and isolated process. I listen to oodles of trip hop and obscure art videos.
My mom suggested the other day that I move to St. Petersburg next year and study in Russia for a year. St. Petersburg is an amazing city, every street is full of it's own history. More important than all of the historic events that occurred there, it is a place that is FULL of art. Pushkin the poet was killed there in a duel; there are so many galleries, people with imagination...music with imagination....
I think it would be interesting to spend my first year of adulthood in another country.
But god I'm such a coward. And that fact prevents me from dreaming my dreams in other places other than America.
But I am sure that I don't want to live in this country for another decade, or raise my children here. Growing up in a household full of a different culture, in a country that lacks this factor, has made me crave Europe. Even Canada would do!
But before all of that happens, I have to graduate first. Possibly get a job. I'm getting overwhelmed thinking about all of the things that I need to do, applications to fill out, and scholarships to win. AH! But today is a holiday, so my procrastination is healthy at this point.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
In a Karma Coma
May I have a word about honesty?
May I please touch apon the fragility of human relations, and how easily they get demolished with a single lick of dishonesty?
I feel as if this topic is going to be an obsession of mine for as long as I live, but I know that I will always stand behind being open with one another.
Love is simply this; being pure and connected. Any kind of relationship deserves a clean consciousness, or else it is one that is filled with dirty dirty lies, is it not?
As we move on, our hearts seem to get colder, more still, more lonely. What else is there to do when dark secrets are a reality of every human being? I want to be able to feel as if I some how will be able to trust everybody I will ever get close with, but I know this will never be true. And that reality is sad, it is sad that we have created this reality.
We lie to our children, our friends, our lovers, our teachers, our parents, our neighbors. That means that human connections have been made so incredibly primitive, and dishonesty has been desensitized.
SIN SIN SIN! The world is full of sin.
May I please touch apon the fragility of human relations, and how easily they get demolished with a single lick of dishonesty?
I feel as if this topic is going to be an obsession of mine for as long as I live, but I know that I will always stand behind being open with one another.
Love is simply this; being pure and connected. Any kind of relationship deserves a clean consciousness, or else it is one that is filled with dirty dirty lies, is it not?
As we move on, our hearts seem to get colder, more still, more lonely. What else is there to do when dark secrets are a reality of every human being? I want to be able to feel as if I some how will be able to trust everybody I will ever get close with, but I know this will never be true. And that reality is sad, it is sad that we have created this reality.
We lie to our children, our friends, our lovers, our teachers, our parents, our neighbors. That means that human connections have been made so incredibly primitive, and dishonesty has been desensitized.
SIN SIN SIN! The world is full of sin.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
flew into my cuckoo nest
Beauty to me is an exotic surrealistic sight/feeling. It is so many things that you really cannot call it a noun, an adjective, or a simple emotion. In fact for me, beauty is a detail of many emotions, nouns and adjectives, and that’s why it’s the sweetest touch on so many wonders in the world.A complex visual description seeping out of so many people’s lips, their description of what is beautiful might differ from mine. But doesn’t that make the world that much sweeter?
My obsession with anything beautiful leads into my excitement with the awkward and twisted. I don't think I have ever stopped morphing my likes and dislikes, but now that I look back on my stages throughout teenage hood, I realize I have collected albums of passions in my mind. There is still no way I could answer a question about my preferences in music quickly. Or the kind of tattoos I have dreamed to be traced along my body. Currently I am obsessed with graphic artist, particularly in the mid 20th century. It began with Milton Glaser, to Aubrey Beardsley. It led to me setting up that art studio downstairs, which is now transitioning into sewing old clothes together to create new things. I think that is how many passionate people of my kind think, and get inspired by random objects and art that come into our life by chance. I am inspired by performance art, by blunts and beats, by incredible art that stops my breath for just a second, and many times by conversations. I think I am more excited about going to college for that reason, to meet a slew of people that are just as vivid and insane as I am, people that go through as many creative transitions as I do. It may not be healthy to jump from one activity to the next, but I get bored with anything that is constant. I wish there was a profession that would require going out into the world on the search for the new, for the old, for the beautiful. So far I have picked to major in journalism next year, with a minor in design. This will be a perfect marriage of written and visual beauty in my life, mixed in with publication.
And
dats
all I gotta say about that.
My obsession with anything beautiful leads into my excitement with the awkward and twisted. I don't think I have ever stopped morphing my likes and dislikes, but now that I look back on my stages throughout teenage hood, I realize I have collected albums of passions in my mind. There is still no way I could answer a question about my preferences in music quickly. Or the kind of tattoos I have dreamed to be traced along my body. Currently I am obsessed with graphic artist, particularly in the mid 20th century. It began with Milton Glaser, to Aubrey Beardsley. It led to me setting up that art studio downstairs, which is now transitioning into sewing old clothes together to create new things. I think that is how many passionate people of my kind think, and get inspired by random objects and art that come into our life by chance. I am inspired by performance art, by blunts and beats, by incredible art that stops my breath for just a second, and many times by conversations. I think I am more excited about going to college for that reason, to meet a slew of people that are just as vivid and insane as I am, people that go through as many creative transitions as I do. It may not be healthy to jump from one activity to the next, but I get bored with anything that is constant. I wish there was a profession that would require going out into the world on the search for the new, for the old, for the beautiful. So far I have picked to major in journalism next year, with a minor in design. This will be a perfect marriage of written and visual beauty in my life, mixed in with publication.
And
dats
all I gotta say about that.
It's a Damn Shame
YOU! With that whiskey coating the inside of your neck, it is pouring inside your veins, swimming like the lovebirds twisting in the sky. You prowl the night with glazed over eyes, letting the world play in front of you like an old filmstrip. You cannot feel this film that is turning for your pleasure, you reach out to touch it, but it turns away. You’re a shameful beast who prays on hard liquor and scandalous dreams, surreal ness in the night, hold my hand I’ll guide you there.
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